The “B” in BDSM stands for bondage, an activity that thousands if not millions of people enjoy as part of their sex life and, sometimes, as part of their normal life. If you’re looking for a way to spice up your sex life, bondage might just be it, and it doesn’t have to be as scary as you might think.
What is bondage?
For as long as humans have had things to tie one another up with, they’ve indulged in bondage sex. But what makes for safe BDSM and just what exactly do you need to know about this ancient practice to give it a go?
What is bondage sex?
Bondage, by definition, means the act of tying up or restraining a sexual partner. While a mainstream mention of bondage is likely to get a giggle, fantasies of tie up and tease with your partners, or at least some form of restraint, are far more common than the most prudish would let on. A YouGov poll conducted in February 2016 found that more than 12 million Brits have been tied up during sex. Meanwhile, Penrith in Cumbria had the biggest per capita sales of BDSM equipment in the UK.
What’s more, bondage has been a fixture of erotic novels and art for centuries, from the Marquis De Sade’s Justine, through to the release of Fifty Shades of Grey which took the publishing world by storm in 2013. A mind-blowing 100 million copies of the Fifty Shades trilogy (dodgy writing aside) were sold worldwide allowing countless humans to indulge in sexual fantasies about BDSM that they might not otherwise have owned up to. Suddenly, S&M was everywhere. In fact, the movie made the moves so popular that sales of the spreader bar sex toy (which you strap someone into in order to separate the legs) sold out after Fifty Shades Darker hit cinemas with viewers enthrall to the particular erotic scene between Christian and Ana that inspired it.
But why is bondage sex so alluring? Well, it’s a combination of its psychological and physiological stimuli. Play-struggling against restraints can build an invigorating adrenaline rush, while being blindfolded heightens the senses in the rest of the body. Think of all the times you’ve closed your eyes during a massage, and how much it enables you to concentrate on the pleasurable and relaxing sensations more intensely. This is the same with safe BDSM. Think of it as a sexual extreme sport which is about intensifying yours and your partners’ pleasure.
BDSM, consent and safe words
Informed consent between individuals is known as SGC (Safe, Grounded, Consenting) RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink), or PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink). While those can sound quite wordy, what they all convey is that all the individuals involved in safe bondage sex are aware that there may be some inherent risk in performing some BDSM activities but that the participants enter into the arrangement knowingly, while promising to act responsibly and consciously as they explore and play.
One of the most important things to do before starting play is to set a safe word. It could be anything from ‘olive’ to ‘toaster’ - it just has to be memorable enough to communicate to you and your partners that it’s time to take a break. People sometimes favour traffic light signals but they can be confusing as one person’s red isn’t always another person’s. Similarly, using the word ‘no’ doesn’t work in consensual BDSM play if, for example, you’re taking a slave role and part of the game is to be ‘forced’ consensually into doing things you are resisting.
It’s also really important to discuss what kinds of acts and things you think you’ll want to do before play starts, and conversely, what you absolutely wouldn’t enjoy doing. The most important thing at this stage is to ask as many questions for clarification purposes as possible. Unsure if wrists behind someone’s back would work if they’re on their knees as well as standing? Double-check! Don’t presume you automatically understand everyone’s preferences without some very literal and liberal double-checking. There can be this presumption that if you talk through everything someone might enjoy, it’ll take away from the novelty, but far better that you forgo a moment of surprise for a session of safety.
What’s more, while there are quite literally thousands of different variations of acts you can engage in within BDSM, you do need to know a little about some of the techniques used in order to experiment safely. For example, there is a technique to spanking. There are places on the body that you shouldn’t crop or whip. And there are certainly things that you shouldn’t use to tie up someone. So if you are planning to use equipment, be sure to read on for our expert advice on what to start with and how to use it.
What makes bondage so enticing? For some people the appeal of power is obviously enticing, especially if they lack control in their everyday lives. On the other hand, someone who often has to be in charge can relax by placing power in another person’s hands for the night. Plus, someone who is bound and blindfolded can get shivers while waiting for their partner to do whatever they choose. For many, it just feels much kinkier when compared to regular vanilla sex.
Bondage fantasies are common, and you’ve come to the right place if you’re ever had them! What bondage is good for is providing physical sensations, even pain, that can be either cathartic or erotically pleasurable or both.
Bondage can also be scary for you, but you can try some elements without making it a lifestyle or engaging in extreme bondage. It’s all about what you’re comfortable with, which means you should only engage in these scenarios with someone whom you trust.
Here are a few common items you can use when enjoying a little bondage with your partner.
- Leather/fabric cuffs
- Collars and leashes
- Shackles and chains
- Anal hooks
- Handcuffs – furry or metal
- Rope
- Tape – bondage tape only sticks to itself
- Slings
- Ankle spreaders
- Cock and ball cages and devices (chastity devices)
- Nipple and clit clamps
- Bondage mittens and arm binders
- Cages, St. Andrew’s crosses and other suspension
These are just a few of the implements that you’ll come across when shopping for bondage gear. Rest assured that you don’t need a secret dungeon to enjoy bondage, even though some of the items on this list are pretty extreme…and expensive!
Add a couple items to your toy box, and you’re good to go. We especially like under-the-bed style restraints, which turn any bed into a bondage platform.
Bondage tape and furry cuffs also make great starting points. Many sex toy retailers also offer beginner bondage kits that will help you and your partner ease your way into a new world that can be quite nerve wracking. Don’t worry, though, because it can also be quite titillating!
What About Some DIY Bondage?
You can empty your nest egg quickly if you go on a shopping spree for all things leather and stainless steel. Fortunately, savvy bondage practitioners have come up with some cost-effective ways to get your rocks off.
- Use saran wrap to bind someone. Plastic wrap is easily cut when you need to get free. It’s also cheap and doesn’t restrict blood flow if used properly. Using silk ties and scarves is a bad idea because you can cut off circulation!
- Use clothespins in place of clamps.
- Use spatulas, rulers or paint sticks as makeshift paddles.
- Sleeping masks can be used as blindfolds.
- A backward robe with arms tied behind your bottom provides upper-body bondage.
- Create your own flogger by wrapping tendrils of fabric or leather around a handle.
- Make your own O-ring gag with a simple O-ring from the hardware store, nylon and snaps.
- Belts make great spanking implements.
- And never underestimate the potential in a length of rope, just don’t tie it too tightly.
Bondage and Safety
Safety is of utmost importance when it comes to bondage. It’s important to remember safety when restraining senses such as hearing, which is so important to communication. For example, you won’t be able to let your partner know if you need to stop or slow down when you’re wearing any sort of a gag. For this reason, many kinksters have developed methods of alert when words aren’t an option.
Two popular options include tapping the bed or surface that you’re on and dropping a ball to indicate distress.
This isn’t the only element of safety that one has to consider when it comes to bondage. While you might be turned on by the risks that bondage presents, you can also do a lot of damage to yourself or your partner if you do it wrong. In rare cases, people have died as a result of their bondage. Here are a couple of safety tips to consider:
- Use a safe word so that you can indicate if you need to slow or stop
- Do not tie up a person with silk or other materials that can restrict and cut off blood flow
- Keep a pair of scissors within reach to quick release the bound person from his or her ties
- Keys for cuffs should always remain within reach for the same reason
- If incorporating impact play, do not aim for the kidneys or other organs
- Keep all electricity below the waist
- Any person who is tied should be accompanied by another person – always
- Never engage in foreplay with someone whom you do not trust
The last point touches on just how important trust and communication is when it comes to bondage. When you’re tied up, your partner has the potential to do real harm. If they ignore your safe word, bind you without your permission or push your limits, you could face real psychological and physical harm. Take it slow, especially when you’re a beginner. For both partners, these new experiences can be overwhelming.
It’s a good idea to plan out your bondage scene beforehand and discuss it afterward. For intense scenes, the bottom or submissive, may need special attention in the form of hydration, cuddles and gentle talking. This is commonly referred to as “after care” by those within the BDSM scene.
Bondage As a Lifestyle?
So far, we’ve talked about bondage as being part of your sex life. Indeed, it can be, and it can bring your sex to another level whether you’re single or committed. But elements of bondage and BDSM are a lifestyle to some people, and they don’t just exist inside the bedroom. For these couples, the roles of top or Dominant and bottom or submissive never end. These situations typically involve service and protocol, which you can incorporate into the bedroom but certainly don’t have to. Perhaps just making sex a little more exciting is your goal…if that’s the case, then these intense sex ideas should help.
For people who live bondage or BDSM as a lifestyle, the drive to always submit or be in control may be connected to their identity and the way they experience the world. In some instances, the desire to try or live bondage can be a deal-breaker when it comes to relationships. For example, a woman who realizes she is submissive may ask her partner to go along with her desires, but if he doesn’t actually have dominant traits, neither of them will really get what they want. (more tips on being a submissive here)
One of the advantages of bedroom bondage, as it’s sometimes called, is the ability to try out both roles. One or both of you could like taking control, and the opposite might also be true. In BDSM culture, people who play both roles are known as switches, but in the bedroom you and your partner might simply be comfortable being the top or bottom at different times. What bondage is to the next couple might be different from what it is for you and your partner.
Something about Lesbian Bondage
When we talked about how to have lesbian sex for the first time, we told you we’d keep it simple and vanilla. But it can be tons of fun to make things a little kinkier, which is why we’ve declared that February is Bondage Month on Autostraddle!
You already know how to have sex even if you haven’t, but bondage and S&M require a more deliberate learning curve. You aren’t going to be an expert the first time you spank someone, but you probably won’t be terrible at it, and it’s also easy to focus too much on the specifics — to pay attention to the rope, instead of the person you’re tying up. That said, it’s also a lot easier to pay attention to the person you’re tying up if you don’t have to watch a how-to video on repeat while you do it.
One of the best ways to find out what you might like is by reading about it/watching it. There are many excellent books of bondage erotica, and several excellent books of lesbian bondage erotica. Read them to explore what turns you on.
Lots and Lots of Other Things
It might turn out that what most turns you on with bondage is the element of being in control or being controlled, so don’t be afraid to play with that.
You also might not want to buy leather wrist restraints the first time you want to tie someone up, but you probably own scarfs, ties, belts, or pantyhose, and those can do the trick (and can also work as blindfolds). You almost certainly own ice cubes. Or lotion that would work as massage lotion. Or soft and smooth or coarse-textured clothing to trail down someone’s skin. And, use your hands! Hands are fun, and you are gay, it’s what they’re there for.
Importantly, when you’ve finished playing, make sure you factor in some time for a wind-down together afterwards. Safe BDSM, like any new sexual activity, can throw up some emotional wavering that you may not have been anticipating, and it’s important that you end play with a check-in - preferably a conversation about anything that’s come up for you and your partners, and some hugs. It’s also important to note that things that come up for any of the partners involved may not be about what’s just gone on. Sometimes it can be related to past experiences. Either way, be prepared to listen and not to judge.
The most important thing about exploring BDSM as a beginner, besides it being consensual and safe bondage sex, is that it’s fun and pleasurable for everyone involved. You don’t have to share a partner’s kink to be prepared to play - we can ‘gift’ our partners with experiences that we wouldn’t necessarily have chosen for ourselves. Revel in the new sensations, and relish the depth of connection it can bring you with another human. Bondage is binding, after all.
